The Life of Young Criminal Defense Lawyer

It sucks.  Sometimes.  Well, most of the time.  One second you are driving to court in a tropical storm in you 1999 Miata, roof somewhat secured.  The next millisecond, your roof flies off, your arms nearly goes with with it, and you are surprised at how well your car handles under those conditions.

Before (sorta)

After

"1999 Mazda Miata?! Yeah right!  You're a lawyer!  You're rich!"  No.  No, I am, not.  You see, I try to charge prices that are fair for me and fair for my clients.  The prices I try to charge won't make me rich.  The problem with this game is that my potential clients are always lying to me about their ability to pay, and there is always some asshole skeezbag baby lawyer or older lawyer undercutting me.

It's a fucking race to the bottom 'round here.

Let's talk about one of those skeezbag lawyers for a second.  This particular young lawyer does not appear to do any of his own work.  Anytime he has a question, he asks it on the listserve.  It's as if he has no idea what he's doing, and even worse, he has no idea how to find the answers for himself and be a real fucking lawyer.  The sad thing, the sad thing is that all the numbnuts on the listserve are praising him as some sort of great lawyer.

Let me ask you this, my friends.  How in the WORLD does this baby lawyer who just started his own practice have so many fucking clients?!  Not just clients, but client's already in jail?  Clients just getting out of jail?  Felony clients?  There is only ONE fucking way, and its that he's up to some shady shit, other than wearing fucking jeans to court every day.  Not even nice jeans.  This guy has an inside man.  Someone inside jail and prison getting him clients.  FTMF.

For the record, I think he has been licensed two years but just started criminal defense.  Also,  I used to smash his fiance.

So, back to what I intended to write about.  The type of shit that directly effects me, other than the undercutting skeezbags in the profession.  But before I get there, it's sad that your success rate doesn't necessarily determine your income.

So, I represent a girl charged with prostitution.  Apparently every girl between 17-25 who is charged with prostitution is assigned a special SAFE court prosecutor.  My particular girl was a suspected victim of human trafficking.  So the big problem with SAFE court is that it exists only in Court 7, but the girls are not all assigned to court 7.  In fact, probably 90% of the girls are assigned to the other 14 Harris County Courts.  But wait, there's more.  It get's worse.  There is only one prosecutor that handles all these cases.  Mind you, that Houston is the human trafficking capital of the United States, and one of the prostitution capitals of the world.  ONE FUCKING PROSECUTOR.   But wait, there's more!  The courts on on different floors, and the elevators in the courthouse are horrible.

So if that nonsense isn't enough NO ONE KNOWS FUCKING ANYTHING ABOUT SAFE COURT.  The normal prosecutors know absolutely nothing.  But, I mean, of course the ACT like the know everything!  All they know how to do is hand you a blue pamphlete and misdirect you.   Let's continue.  The court coordinators know nothing.  The probation officers know nothing.  The judges probably know nothing.

So let's think about this.  There is one prosecutor, 14 courts, 5 floors of courts, and dozens of clients each day.  The OBVIOUS SIMPLE SOLUTION is assign all girls charged with prostitution to the freaking prostitution court.  But that would be to easy.  Well, let's think about this.  Maybe the prosecutor would go to the oldest case first.  Nope, can't do that.

So, my client was charged 6 months ago.  We have been to court 6 times.  Each time, has been a pain in the ass.  First the case with with human trafficking.  Then it was transferred to the proseuctors of the court it was actually in.  And back and forth over and over again.  So finally, my girl gets in to the SAFE program which requires her to take an eligibility interview.

So, I arrange the interview, my client shows up on time and does what she needs to do.  Which brings us to my last court setting on this case.  I am not stupid or niave.  I don't show up early.  So I show up when I show up, around 9 930.  My client shows up at 8 when she is supposed to.  I arrive and check in to see if the human trafficking prostitutor had arrived.  Naturally, she hadn't, so I email her.  Or at least the prosecutor from the last 5 times.  You see, these pains in the ass at the district attorney rotate all the fucking time.  So there was a new prosecutor on the case.  Does anyone care to tell me that? No.  Does any one care to let me know how my client did at the interview?  No.

So when I find out who the new prostitutor is, I email her.  I kindly let her know we're in court waiting, and to email me when she arrives.  She tells me she is in court 4, and will be up soon.  I email back saying thank you.  An hour and a half later I email her again.

This is the exact email.

I really can't wait two-three hours every time I have a "human trafficking" case.  This case is six months old and its been played like a yo-yo. I have literally waited over 10 hours just for prosecutors to show up to court. This is beyond disrespectful to both me and my client. 

 This email is not an exaggeration.   Meanwhile, I am across the hall doing some recognizance for an upcoming trial.  When I cross the hall to go back to the court where my alleged prostitute is, I see the human trafficking prosecutor talking to one of her 'girlfriends' all casual and shit in the hallway, while I have been WAITING FOR OVER TWO FUCKING HOURS!

She walks into court a few MINUTES later and sits at counsel table.  Defense counsel table.  She plops down in a big leather chair, then swings around, turning AWAY from me.  So I say "good morning, can we please get to work on this case?"  She swings around like like a bat out of hell and at the top of her lungs, like all female prosecutors, says, "That was the nastiest, rudest thing any defense lawyer has ever said to me!  You don't know me.  You have never done any work with me.  You are completely ridiclous.....blah blah blah."  The second I open my mouth to defense myself to say I have been waiting over two hours she bitches about her job.  I suggest that she be a little repsectful and try to resolve old cases first.  At this point gaggle of geese co-prosecutors who are the normal prosecutors in this particular court jump in and gang up on me.

They were so effective that a defense attorney jumped in and started patronizing me.  To her I said, "You are a court appointed lawyer, basically one of them.  Don't talk to me."  She said no I'm not and tried to talk me down for 10 minutes.  I looked this prosecutor up.  She is one of the top 20 attorneys in the county.. in the sense that she is plea mill lawyer of the day extraordinare.  To her credit, when I showed her the nasty rude email I sent to dea prostitutor she spoke to the the prostitutor.

So, finally to the business.   The prostitutor tells me, "You're client did not go to the interview.  She didn't do what she's supposed to do.  She's not getting in the program."   To which I called out her lie and said, "See, I was right,  you have not worked on this case at all."  She steps outside comes back a few minutes later, without appolizing for lying, which is the least she could do and also the least likely thing she could do, and tells me ok your client has her orientation on whatever date.

It sucks being a young criminal defense attorney at times.  It doesn't matter if your dismissal rate is way above average.  It doesn't matter if you win all your trials and hearings such as I have.  It doesn't matter if your clients are all happy.  One day I will figure it out.